Pieces 01

Jul. 20th, 2015 05:15 am
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A brief situation introduction
They are all seem to have one connection that clearly potrayed in every thing they do, think, and talk, that for some reason, I'm unable to comprehend nor follow. It feels so foreign when I see it in them, that such a magical word as love could be translated to attentive care almost crossing to being nosy. To be honest, it makes me confused. I'm still new in this world and I have some expectations on how life should be played out. But surely I'm not the one who write the life's screenplay, so of course I don't know how it would played out in real life.

Because It Knows
I press the shuffle all songs button. Jonsi's Boy Lilikoi is playing first, followed by One Ok Rock's Mr. Gendai Speaker and Decision. Why, I wonder to myself, my mind is occupied by so many things right now. When I'm around these kind of people ('m not going to explain what kind), I will think things through. Most of the time, I come to conclusion about what kind of a person I want to be, or better, what kind of a person I don't want to be. How to act myself, how to not degrade someone else by doing passive-aggresive humble-brag. If I don't have anything decent to say, I will be silent. I won't comment on someone else's physical condition. I won't give unsolicited opinion. It's going to be hard, but I'm willing to take the bitter pill. I don't want to hurt people's heart unknowingly anymore.

Chest Lump
It plays One Ok Rock's Notes'nWords right now. I really want to sleep right now. Not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to close my eyes and think silently without disturb. There's a lot of hurts and some open wound that's begging to be told as a story. It is a story alright, though I'm still not sure how to put it in words of english. At first I thought about writing it out in Indonesian language but most of them wants to be written in english. They choose how they's be written. Now it plays One Ok Rock's Wherever You Are. I'm not sure how to say this, but haps, you are enough and loved. Please live your life. Let's read books and books and books and then write your own codex vitae. Until later. See you.

It's easy to be difficult. "You're being difficult" people say that a lot to me, literally and figuratively. I don't care much, but yes, I mind. It's almost 9AM and sundanese music has been playing out since early in the morning. I don't consume pain killer because only in this way I could remember that I'm a human, that I can feel pain. Apart of the internal suffering caused monthly by my own body organ, there are hurt here in my heart. I don't choose the pain, it's mainly inflicted by outer force, but I do chose to feel this pain. When you couldn't feel any emotion for so long no matter however hard you try, it's natural to hold on to whatever feelings you got now when you finally could feel one. That's what I do. I let it went through myself from the tip of my hair to the nails on my toes, then I will let it go. I will let whatever feelings I feel now, go.
"I hope and I pray I don't ever fail to remember how great it feels to just feel." said John O'Callaghan

When the wind refused to blow some fresh air around me, I will close my eyes and pretend to drown. I could have drown myself to death, I should have been anyway. But the day and the night refused to stop telling me stories of what they've seen happening and what might have happen. I don't want to stop listening. I thought to myself that the wind might change its mind now anytime soon. I'll just have to live.

I stand back away from myself so I could find where I've been standing all along. I wanted to, but I actually can't. I could only feel that I'm closer to the edge. Later when my time to cross over come, should I fly or should I jump? Or should I just walk over there? Whichever way I chose, I'd never forget my anchor: the air I breathe in. Because I may never forget, that being alive means breathing.


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